Pleats 'n Cleats Likes Hockey . . . Seriously

I considered sharing my thoughts about Shaq's opinion of those who hack him, Tony Romo manning up like I asked him to, or Falcons owner Arthur Blank saying thanks but no thanks to Michael Vick.

But I'd rather talk about my first trip to a professional hockey game. It sounds like a Playskool set and to be honest, I was probably just as excited as if I had received one (when I was 4, of course). If you've never been to a hockey game either, here are my general observations:

1. Hockey games are probably as white as America gets. And maybe as drunk, although baseball games are probably #1. However, that could be the fact that the drinking at baseball games generally takes place in the hot sun, which leads me to #2 . . .

2. Wear long sleeves. I know there's ice but for some reason I figured that didn't mean the whole place had to be freezing, too. I had always wondered why people wore jerseys over sweatshirts at hockey games. I thought it was just to fill it out, but now I get it. What I don't get is why the mascot was so sweaty (he put his arm around me when we took a picture together - I wanted to get the full experience).

3. If you care about what the person right next to you is saying, be prepared for the complete inability to hear anything, including your own thoughts, every time play restarts. This is due to the use of the loudest buzzer known to man. They should have used this buzzer at recess to corral the kids - I'm sure we would have gone running inside even if we didn't really want to. If you're easily scared or don't like loud noises, this might not be the venue for you.

4. The "Kiss Cam" on the JumboTron here is the most inaccurate I've ever seen. Perhaps because there's so much movement in hockey, the cameras don't have time to focus on couples to make sure they are actually couples before the camera asks them to kiss. Seriously, I've never seen so many women point to the guy on the other side of them to indicate "that's who I normally kiss." There's no feeling like having a camera focused on you and your best friend's girlfriend with everyone, including your best friend, waiting to see if you'll kiss.

5. These guys really do fight. This is not wrestling. I've seen it on TV but watching two guys duke it out live and in person made me realize hockey players may be the best fighters in sports (obviously not including sports where punching is how you win). The suite I was in was fairly close so we got a pretty good view of the pummeling. Helmets flew. I think other sports should adopt this same "penalty box" idea where the player who gets a "foul" has to sit in timeout and his team is forced to play one man down. It sure would make for some interesting games . . . and maybe more fights, because if you can fight and just end up in the penalty box, it may be worth taking a swing or two. Then perhaps those NBA guys would learn how to throw a real punch.

6. Pay. Attention. To. The. Puck. Hockey pucks can go over 100 MPH, and there are a few areas where there's no coverage or there's a hole in the glass for camera lenses. During one shot on goal, the puck somehow made its way through to the small hole where the camera lens would have been (had the guy not been taking a break), causing a good portion of the people on that side of the rink to all yell and jump back at the same time. Not how I want to go out.

7. The sponsors are on the cheap side. During whatever they call halftime (because there are three periods, so it's not exactly the middle of the game), they had people take shots from mid-rink into the goal, which was hard enough but then they added a cardboard cutout with a rectangular opening the size of a mailbox slot. And if you made it? The grand prize was a whopping . . . wait for it . . . $500. Surprisingly, exactly none of the participants made it. This sponsor is clearly not coming off that $500 without a fight (maybe the opening gets smaller in bad economies). One guy completely missed the goal three times on the right side. I don't understand how you don't over-correct in the other direction, but I digress . . .

8. Scoring in hockey is quite a joyous occasion. At this particular game, there was a lot of it and, hence, a lot of joy. The joy is so loud that it stops you from whatever else you're doing, such as, once again, thinking, speaking, etc. It does, however, make for a good segue out of a bad conversation: "Yeah, my 401(k) is really .... OHHH! Goal! Woo, high five!" Then walk away.

9. This is not hockey specific but it made me mad so it's making the list. There's no smoking in arenas these days so now they have outdoor smoking areas. Only they put them right where people who don't smoke - like me - have to walk. So if I wanted to enter the arena, I had to ravage through a cloud of haze and yuckiness on my way in. I tried to hold my breath, but they got me, and now I have a cough. The day when non-smokers don't have to be infectedaffected by these people will be one of the happiest days of my life.

10. I love food so I don't know why this is last, but the food in the suite is great! Maybe it's just the arena I was in but man we had some good stuff: fresh fajitas (with guacamole and pico de gallo) and steak sandwiches (shredded, Philly style with hoagie rolls and all). And I topped it off (I had the fajita, not both) with an ice cream cookie sandwich . . . definitely one of the top five I've ever had. Of course there were hot dogs and sausages, too. But compared to the old, fried chicken pieces (fingers?) and cold mozzarella sticks I'm used to seeing, this was like . . . the Cheesecake Factory, at least.

Overall, hockey games are kinda cool. The music was just OK, and there weren't too many festivities other than the game (the chicks in hot pants and skates - who made their way up to the suite next to ours and look to be about the size of 12 year olds - do not count) so I can see how this could get boring without fighting and scoring.

If you found Pleats 'n Cleats doing a search for hockey blogs, I'm sorry to disappoint you because the "puck" stops here. No, really, this is possibly the end of the line for any mention of hockey here. That is, unless you've got a suite . . . and an ice cream cookie sandwich. I accept and encourage bribes for blog posts.