The Best of Kornheiser's Monday Night Football Gush

I've decided that I'm going to start keeping track of Tony Kornheiser's choicest comments about Tom Brady during Monday Night Football games when Brady is not playing.

Tonight's winning quote came during the third quarter when Kornheiser was discussing Big Ben Roethlisberger's numbers during the game, which has a lot to do with the reason why the Pittsburgh Steelers are up 35-7 right now on the Baltimore Ravens. Kornheiser gushed:

Anytime your name is mentioned in the same sentence as Tom Brady, you're having a good day

I assume he means if you're a quarterback, right?

MNF or SNL?

Tony Kornheiser is quite the, um, interesting commentator. If anyone watched Monday Night Football (I know, the game wasn't much to watch, sorry Atlanta Falcons fans), then you heard these gems from Tony, which I have paraphrased for your enjoyment:

1. "Eli Manning, QB for the New York Giants, makes the salary he does because his last name is Manning."

You mean he benefits because Eli has like, famous relatives or something? This idea was resoundingly ballyhooed by his co-commentators, and was quickly followed by ESPN going to commercial. I think that's a little harsh. It must be hard enough being the brother of Peyton Manning without Kornheiser ruining Eli's Monday night season debut by saying he's only making what he is because of his family is considered NFL royalty (dad Archie Manning was also quite the talented QB in his day).

2. "Why do the Falcons need their money back from Vick to clear space under the salary cap? Isn't it enough that he was just ordered to give it back?"

So then they'll just use Monopoly money to pay any players who benefit from the cleared cap space? ESPN also went to commercial when he said this, not sure if that was just coincidental. His co-commentators answered his question after the break, without rubbing in that he should have known this. I hope he was just thinking out loud and hadn't really thought about this before. Otherwise . . . well, I'll be kind, because I can imagine it must be hard to commentate a game, and again, I truly hope that he just hadn't thought it out.

I know there is at least one other tidbit I am missing, but I'll post it when/if it comes to me. Sometimes the other commentators are cracking up laughing at something Kornheiser says, but other times they seem annoyed, so I wonder how they really feel about Tony. One thing's for certain: I have to write this stuff down immediately.

But guest commentator Jimmy Kimmel did provide some "legitimate" comic relief:

"[Joey] Harrington's not a great quarterback but he's very nice to his pets."

Kick 'em all while they're down! That's the American way.

The Brady Bunch?

I think our generation has been pretty blessed to see some of the greatest of all time in their sport:

Michael Jordan.

Roger Federer.

Steffi Graf.

Wayne Gretzky.

Tiger Woods.

Barry Bonds.(*)

Now perhaps I'm being shortsighted because the people playing now are the only ones I've ever seen play live and in person, but I think we're in a truly special era. Records that have been around for a half-century or more are being smashed -- even though I think these statisticians come up with more stats and records than could possibly be relevant.

Now, it looks like we might have to add Tom Brady to that list. Sunday, Brady threw for the most touchdowns in the first six games of a season in NFL history, throwing at least 3 TD's per outing, and helping the New England Patriots kept their undefeated season alive with a 48-27 win over the Dallas Cowboys and my fantasy-nemesis, Tony Romo.

I know I harped on Tony Kornheiser for kissing Brady's butt, but he is shaping up to be one of -- if not the -- best at his young age. SI.com is already predicting that he'll win his first MVP. To me, it's hard to judge how good a QB is because they seem only as good as their offensive line is at keeping the defense from sacking him. I guess there's some combination of foresight, play-running, etc. that makes him so good.

So is Brady the G.O.A.T. or just a good QB with a great offensive line?


* Pending BALCO telling on him, too.

Kornheiser's Other "Pumpkin"

I know I'm not the only one who watched Monday Night Football and was heartbroken by Carson Palmer and the Cincinnati Bengals' performance. While we got to see Carson get scolded for arguing with his, uh, interesting wide receiver, Chad Johnson, all we heard about Tom Brady is that he's the second coming of Jesus Christ Himself.

Seriously, Tom Brady has a lot of great assets (who wouldn't be jealous of three Super Bowl rings before the age of 30? Hate on this man!) but we don't need to hear how great he is for an entire football game. I'll take one quarter, maybe two, but an entire game of butt-kissing is just outrageous.

Tony Kornheiser, who co-commentated last night's game and delivered the vast majority of the besos to Brady's behind, is responsible for the brown-nosing. Even more than Brady's on field accomplishments, Tony gushed over Brady's movie star looks, dating supermodels (Giselle), and his new baby daddy status, and his penchant for being gossip column fodder as a result of all of the above. It got worse when he started talking about the New England Patriots going 16-0. Not so far-fetched if we're at, say, game 10 or higher in a season of 16 games. But this is game 4. That means there are 12 more games to go, and that is beyond way too early for anyone to be talking about an undefeated season.

Not only that, Tony went on and on about the genius of Bill Belichick, completely ignoring that just a few short weeks ago, his beloved Belichick was coughing up $250 G's for cheating. But never mind the cheating, this guy is amazing!

Even his fellow commentators took him to task for going too far. I'm not sure how long he's going to last on Monday Night Football after this. It's OK to do on Pardon the Interruption, but an entire game is entirely too long to hear about your crush on a football player and his team - from a man or woman. But while Tony is certainly responsible for the unending gushing, I think the men or women who cued up his ridiculous comparisons and scenarios by adding graphics and doing fact-checking should also be taking the heat. I blame you all, too.

But I don't know if I can totally blame you for being a fan.