You Thought Kato Kaelin Was Bad?*

O.J. Simpson's co-defendants, not unlike Michael Vick's co-defendants, are dropping like flies.

The Today Show decided to give one of them, Charles Cashmore (real name?) and his attorney, some airtime.

O.J. co-defendant recalls bust

(On a side note, I love how Matt Lauer questions his guests like they're on the stand. He took Tom Cruise to task for his comments about the use of anti-depressants to treat postpartum depression, and his interview with Cashmore was no different.)

So this guy Cashmore was coming from a job interview and received a call from a friend saying he needed some help getting back some things that belonged to him. At this time, he says he was introduced to O.J.

Lauer asks what his reaction was at seeing guns "brandished" and "on the person" of the other co-defendant. He says it was one of "aweshock." I've heard of "shock and awe," but I think you just made up a word, friend.

Then Lauer asks him about the surveillance video released of him carrying a box. He inquires, quite reasonably, if Cashmore, as a man with a criminal record, was involved in a situation in which guns are being brandished and are on the person of others ("on the person of" screams "I've been coached by a lawyer"), why didn't he go right to the police rather than waiting 6 days to do so?

His response?

"I thought it was friends, [and that it] would basically blow over."

Right. Because when I threaten my friends with a gun for taking my stuff, we usually go bowling a few hours later. And usually, O.J. accompanies us. His lawyer repeats this story, saying his client thought the situation would "blow over."

Since the day he was arrested for double murder, when has anything O.J. Simpson did just blow over? I bet O.J. can't even smile in public without someone coming down on him for being happy while his "victims" are dead.

I already don't like the idea that co-defendants get a break for telling on their fellow co-defendants. How can you trust a guy whose sole motive is to save his own behind? Now, this guy is on national TV discussing his side before O.J. cuts a deal, when he could be a potential prosecution witness if O.J. went to trial. If I were his attorney, I might advise against all this talking, especially if you aren't going to come out looking like the most truthful guy that ever walked the earth.

But the fact remains that O.J. now has two co-defendants willing to tattle on him for their own gain.

Has he depleted his stash of get out of jail free cards? Or was he really just stealing back his own stuff?



*For those not in the know, Kato Kaelin was staying in a guest house on the Simpson property and became a witness during the original O.J. double-murder trial. Kato tried to make a career out of his space cadet showing on the stand, during which he was helpful to neither side. Not dissuaded by this, attorneys called him back for the civil trial against O.J., giving him one more minute of fame to add to his 15. I think Wikipedia can delete that "is an aspiring American actor" because after 30 years of aspirations, perhaps he should aspire to more gainful employment.

MNF or SNL?

Tony Kornheiser is quite the, um, interesting commentator. If anyone watched Monday Night Football (I know, the game wasn't much to watch, sorry Atlanta Falcons fans), then you heard these gems from Tony, which I have paraphrased for your enjoyment:

1. "Eli Manning, QB for the New York Giants, makes the salary he does because his last name is Manning."

You mean he benefits because Eli has like, famous relatives or something? This idea was resoundingly ballyhooed by his co-commentators, and was quickly followed by ESPN going to commercial. I think that's a little harsh. It must be hard enough being the brother of Peyton Manning without Kornheiser ruining Eli's Monday night season debut by saying he's only making what he is because of his family is considered NFL royalty (dad Archie Manning was also quite the talented QB in his day).

2. "Why do the Falcons need their money back from Vick to clear space under the salary cap? Isn't it enough that he was just ordered to give it back?"

So then they'll just use Monopoly money to pay any players who benefit from the cleared cap space? ESPN also went to commercial when he said this, not sure if that was just coincidental. His co-commentators answered his question after the break, without rubbing in that he should have known this. I hope he was just thinking out loud and hadn't really thought about this before. Otherwise . . . well, I'll be kind, because I can imagine it must be hard to commentate a game, and again, I truly hope that he just hadn't thought it out.

I know there is at least one other tidbit I am missing, but I'll post it when/if it comes to me. Sometimes the other commentators are cracking up laughing at something Kornheiser says, but other times they seem annoyed, so I wonder how they really feel about Tony. One thing's for certain: I have to write this stuff down immediately.

But guest commentator Jimmy Kimmel did provide some "legitimate" comic relief:

"[Joey] Harrington's not a great quarterback but he's very nice to his pets."

Kick 'em all while they're down! That's the American way.

Too Many Bites at the Ear?

At age 44, Evander Holyfield, is trying to become the "undisputed" heavyweight champion of the world. The only problem is that everyone is telling him that it's time to hang up the gloves.

Holyfield lost a title bout in a 12-round unanimous decision in Moscow Saturday to Sultan Ibragimov. But that's not stopping him from trying to get back to his championship form.

When I saw that he had even gone to Moscow to box, my immediate thought was "Why is this man still fighting?" Evander was staying in the same Disney World hotel that I was in one time about 15 years ago. I remember thinking that he was really nice, and he seemed OK then, but I've seen other retired boxers, and it's honestly sad to see the physical toll the boxing can take on a person.

From all indications, Holyfield appears to have money. He really doesn't have anything more to prove since he has won all the titles and received all the accolades -- unless he just wants to be the oldest heavyweight since George Foreman. If you are setting records for being the oldest "anything," I'm of the opinion that is should be because you never had the chance when you were young.

Thus, it seems the man is just lacking good sense. Perhaps it was spit out when Mike Tyson bit off that chunk of ear. Too many punches to the head late in his career? I know it's hard for people to call it quits when they are on top, because you never know when you've reached your peak. But I have a lot of respect for an athlete who can leave while they're on top. And if they refuse to leave, especially in a sport like boxing where one wrong misstep can result in death, then can't some doctor say he isn't cleared to fight?

Maybe he doesn't know what to do with himself if he's not fighting. If that's the case, we just need to find him a hobby. Surely someone has to be able to teach him basketweaving.

Yes, That's A Lion Delivering Your Pizza.. No, They Aren't That Bad Again.

The problem with the internet is that any comments that appear on it can and will spread like wildfire. Not only will they spread, but because they are being read, people will assume that the tone used to make the comments is the one that best fits either a) your actual personality, or b) the personality that people imagine you might have. I think it's safe to assume the latter. And no matter what, sarcasm does not translate well in print.

Detroit Lions wide receiver Roy Williams learned this lesson the hard way, and now he's delivering pizzas because of it. A few weeks ago, Williams was on AM radio in Detroit, where he answered several unrelated questions. Because it's AM radio, only a few people probably actually heard this interview when it took place. This was a recipe for disaster. Here are some choice morsels from that interview:

• On being cheap: I am cheap, I’m a cheap date. Get you some McDonalds, with some cheese on it and I’m just really cheap, man. I’m very low key, I like to stay home. I like to go bowling on Monday nights and I go to the casino every once and awhile. Other than that, you won’t see Mr. Williams out at all.

• On what he plays at the casino: I’m a craps and blackjack guy. I like to throw the dice a little bit. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll take it to the cards.

• You do tip the pizza guy? There’s no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say ‘Thank you sir.’ … The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he’s coming for free.

• If you’re on a date and she wants to go to a nice place, what do you do? I might just take her to the casino and get her a free buffet. If I did take a date out to a nice place, I’d take her to a nice place, like a Red Lobster or something. It wouldn’t be Morton’s or nothing like that.

Now, I am sure that he was joking, at least partially. He might well be cheap, but maybe not to this unabashed degree. Others were not so amused, per these posts following his comments:

And you probably NEVER get good pizza , Roy. Totally classless not to tip the pizza guy. An embarrassment to us all. They see your order at the pizza shop, nobody wants to make it or deliver to old cheapass Roy.

If you actually ever worked , instead of getting Alumni payoffs & handouts , you would tip , Roy. Guaranteed "unwanted extras" that you have been eating over the years. That was not an olive you just swallowed. That mushroom was extra juicy, wasnt it. I have lost almost all the respect I had for you Roy. No more defending your incredibly cheap backside to the legions that think you are vastly OVERRATED.

The best part is that the pizza shop probably has always charged you an extra buck or two because they know you dont tip. My son works at a pizza place and delivers some. That is exactly what they do to those very ,very few people who are too full of themselves to tip. So you tip whether you like it or not. The jokes on you. Grow up and think about someone other than your incredibly selfish "all pro" self. And two hands on that ball at ALL TIMES, "all star".

Hope you dont get injured and blow all your cash. You may have a hard time even getting a pizza delivery job with that unused cranial matter.

And your dates ??? None of them like you for you. That free casino buffett
shows so little class or respect. But one of them will certainly play the game (better than you play the game) , convince you she 'loves" you, has a few lil ones...divorces your ultra cheap immature backside, takes 1/2 of what you got ( which is a lot , considering you dont spend) and gets immense child support.

Just a free "tip" . Dont go out, go through fast food. Mickey D's is your destiny.

And one more, just because I want you to see how serious people took his comments:

It's all about how you were raised and sometimes someone has to TEACH you. However, people like Roy... It's really dispicable. You can afford it, you know about it, and you don't do it. It will come back to him, probably in the form of an unwanted topping on his pizza.

As far as dates, it's not news that most pro-athletes have little to no respect for women. Often the disrespect is well-deserved because men will only do what women let them get away with. If these women are so excited to be with a pro athlete that they are happy with going to Coney Island, then that is what they will get - a 99 cent double cheeseburger and I'm sure he'll throw in the STD for free.

Ok, one more:

I worked at a pizza place for years in college and he shouldn't be so smug about not tipping. I bet he gets a "special sauce" on his pizza. My advice to Roy, if he wants to get pizza without other's DNA - order deliveries several nights in a row, and after giving a large tip, throw them away. Get your reputation back and then you'll get good pies.Good advice for us all.

Clearly, the moral of the story is that if you don't tip the pizza guy, he's going to reward you by sharing a special part of himself. So if I understand these comments, people are outraged at Williams not tipping, but the pizza man releasing in your pizza is OK.

I know things are rough in Detroit's economy but, come on, people, lighten up! He was clearly pulling your legs.

Not satisfied with the first round of backlash, Williams returned to AM radio to, among other things, set the record straight. From AOL Sports Fanhouse:

Well, we have good news and bad news. The bad news, ladies, is that Williams doesn't seem intent on changing his habits when he goes out to dinner. But the good news is that Williams now says he has seen the error of his ways when it comes to ordering pizza, and it all started when he pulled up next to a pizza delivery guy at a red light:

"And guess who pulls up next to me?" Williams said. "Pizza Hut man. I roll my window down and I say, 'Pizza dude, how much am I supposed to tip you?' He said, 'Three, four maybe five dollars.' ... So I'm going to start tipping the pizza man."

On the flip side, Williams also risks an NFL fine every game by giving the fans the football after he scores a touchdown. I really think the man doesn't know how to turn it off. His sense of humor is dry, and he never reveals his hand. Cool for him, bad for PR.

But PR to the rescue. On Tuesday, Williams will be an honorary pizza delivery man for a metro Detroit area (read: he will NOT actually be within the city limits of Detroit) Pizza Hut from 4 to 6 pm. He is personally donating to the World Food program, including any tip he receives.

Well, at least your pizza is in pretty good hands. And he probably won't take it out on you (or the pizza) if he doesn't get a tip.

MYSM: What A Jump

Make Ya Smile Mondays #2 comes from the world of gymnastics.

Apparently the springboard broke on this one. This can't be a good advertisement for the company who made it.

*P.S. I think this is a joke.

Tale of Two Records

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished, shortly after setting the record for the most touchdowns ever thrown, Super Bowl XXXI winner Brett Favre has the dubious distinction of throwing the most interceptions of all time. But his team, the Green Bay Packers, won the game, which is all he probably really cares about. This just shows that if you stick around long enough, you're going to do a lot of things really well and a lot of things really badly.

A lesson for us all in our own lives, I think.

The Brady Bunch?

I think our generation has been pretty blessed to see some of the greatest of all time in their sport:

Michael Jordan.

Roger Federer.

Steffi Graf.

Wayne Gretzky.

Tiger Woods.

Barry Bonds.(*)

Now perhaps I'm being shortsighted because the people playing now are the only ones I've ever seen play live and in person, but I think we're in a truly special era. Records that have been around for a half-century or more are being smashed -- even though I think these statisticians come up with more stats and records than could possibly be relevant.

Now, it looks like we might have to add Tom Brady to that list. Sunday, Brady threw for the most touchdowns in the first six games of a season in NFL history, throwing at least 3 TD's per outing, and helping the New England Patriots kept their undefeated season alive with a 48-27 win over the Dallas Cowboys and my fantasy-nemesis, Tony Romo.

I know I harped on Tony Kornheiser for kissing Brady's butt, but he is shaping up to be one of -- if not the -- best at his young age. SI.com is already predicting that he'll win his first MVP. To me, it's hard to judge how good a QB is because they seem only as good as their offensive line is at keeping the defense from sacking him. I guess there's some combination of foresight, play-running, etc. that makes him so good.

So is Brady the G.O.A.T. or just a good QB with a great offensive line?


* Pending BALCO telling on him, too.